I am 25 weeks and 2 days today. It’s wonderful to hit one more milestone, and I absolutely don’t take a single day for granted!
I was able to take a peek at baby’s position on Saturday and he was frank breech (he was transverse last month as well). And to be honest, my first reaction was to be relieved/excited/hopeful. A breech baby would take the whole choice part of the VBAC/RCS decision away and therefore the guilt and anxiety of making the wrong one.
After that reaction, I realized that I really don’t actually WANT a VBAC. People can say whatever they want about that, but many “vbactivists” have not had a vaginal delivery before. I have and the recovery from my stage 2 tear, while not as intense at the beginning, lasted a lot longer than my c-section and left more long lasting issues. I still have pain sometimes.
I’ve just been having this feeling that this is going to be a large baby, he has measured way ahead at every scan and I have gained weight fast as well. D was only 5 pounds 1 oz. and I tore. A c-section could very well happen anyway and the #1 thing I remember feeling about the twins’ birth was that I should have just chosen the c-section to begin with.
My hospital offers a family-centered cesarean where they really try to make it as good of an experience as possible, and I’d really like to try for that if I have the opportunity to pick the date and time. I know it requires an extra nurse at your head and they only do so many – and usually not if it is in the middle of the night or an emergency. They dim the lights a bit, will play music if you want, peel back the blue sheet revealing a clear window so you can watch baby being born if you want. They also will “walk” baby out a little more slowly because there is evidence it helps to squeeze the fluid out of their lungs better similar to a vaginal birth. And they offer delayed cord clamping and skin to skin with mom or dad in the OR while you are being stitched up. They will even let you try to breastfeed on the table so long as you are up for it.
I have an appointment tomorrow and at the last two my doctor has asked what I had decided and I wasn’t sure. So I gave myself a deadline to decide by this appointment. And I have: I’m choosing the scheduled c-section.
It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. The rupture risk for the baby just kept eating at me and I feel like doing the safest thing for him is the best decision for me. I’ve had two friends have their second or third sections in the past few months so I’ve been able to see how they are recovering and that has helped a lot.
It works out best for us to have a plan and a schedule to get sitters for the boys because our family all lives 3+ hours away, and 5 days before my due date is a painful anniversary for my husband’s family so I really need to avoid delivering on that day if at all possible. I also am considering getting my tubes tied (weird) since I am not using them anyway, I will already be in the OR, and our insurance will be maxed out for the year. It might seem counterproductive to do so if we plan to try for more, and pointless if I am infertile anyway, but stranger things have happened and because of our feelings about life and our embryos we want to avoid a spontaneous pregnancy and use as many of them as possible since they are already created (even though it is much more expensive to do so). If our remaining 3 didn’t end up creating any more babies, at this point I think we would be content with 3. Heck, I am SO glad to have these three…I haven’t forgotten wondering if we would even get one. But even if we changed our minds, IVF again wouldn’t be off the table without tubes. And not taking BCPs (and likely forgetting frequently and screwing up my hormones) sounds awesome.
We still don’t have a definitive plan regarding our remaining embryos, which was the biggest factor for thinking of VBACing. But we aren’t going to make one in the next 4 months. It’s a circle – we both can only get so far when really thinking about it before our brains throw up that wall and say, “NOPE! Shut down – do not make any decisions”. There’s no way to know the outcome of future transfers either regardless of our record, so it is pointless to have everything planned and decided.
But there are still options and that is the important part.